You are not a lawyer

The old argument has come again. You can’t believe you are still talking about this. You thought this fight was behind you, but apparently, the issue is very much alive. It makes your face flush, makes your heart race, makes you feel antsy. How can your partner still disagree with you on this one? The answer is obvious. The matter should be settled.

You set yourself for the debate. Maybe this time, if you are forceful enough, you can win this argument and put this behind you. Collect the evidence, present it logically, offer objections.

Perhaps it’s an argument over policy - how to spend money, how to parent, how to drive. It might be unsettled feelings over an old wound - lingering hurt feelings from a big fight in the past, a disagreement in who’s to blame for an unfortunate incident, or pain about a past betrayal. It might be a taboo area that you’ve never been able to resolve with your partner - conflict in sex, uncertainty about infidelity, issues with drugs or debt, differences in politics or religion.

There’s something wrote about this process. You’ve offered these arguments before, and they haven’t worked to persuade your partner. You’ve heard their claims and concerns on this issue, and they haven’t persuaded you. And yet you both dig in for another day-ruining debate.

In couples therapy, I call this process Lawyering. You have entered a Courtroom with your partner. You are both presenting your cases and hoping to win. But there is no Jury, and no Judge. Just the other Lawyer. It’s an adversarial process.

Even if you win this fight, you lose. If you and your partner get in a Lawyer conflict, it’s incredibly rare for the other person to admit you are right, apologize, get warm and melty, and offer you affection and reward.

I have some advice for you. Instead of trying to be a Lawyer, be a Journalist.

An award winning journalist can sustain curiosity and deepen inquiry. A journalist can increase depth and understanding. “Tell me more. Why else do you feel strongly about this issue? Where did your values come from on this topic? What do you feel in your body right now?”

The Gottman Method calls this technique Dreams within Conflict. Rather than persuade, argue, or defend, the goal is to get deeper with your partner. How did they become the person in front of you right now? Why do they feel strongly?

This is a super skill. It is phenomenal for de-escalation. You never have to have a witty comeback or a well-formulated debate strategy. You simply breathe, relax, and fall into deep waters of curiosity. It takes the heat out of the room. Rather than feeling the muscle tension and anger in your partner, you might feel them pause, soften, slow down. Rather than shout, they might talk softly. They might tell you something they have never told you before. They might cry. You might hold them. Instead of having a heated debate about a story in 2025, you might connect softly about something that happened in 2015, or 2005, or 1995.

Even if it’s important to you to have some civil back and forth - a careful policy debate with your partner - this is always a better opening move. It is emotionally regulating, and sets the stage for slow and respectful curiosity. You won’t talk over each other. You won’t try to silence each other. You will model how you’d like to be listened to.

My friend, you are not a lawyer, especially in your intimate relationship. Try the Journalist way today. Below, I have attached more instructions on the Gottman’s Dreams within Conflict method. I think you’ll be highly satisfied with the results.

-Cale