Inconvenient Truth
-from Cale Cloutier, LMFT
What is something that you hide from your partner? Perhaps you also hide it from yourself, but you know It’s There when I ask you. It’s hovering at the edge of your awareness right now. Is it a judgement about your partner’s poor self care? A new habit they’ve gained over time, which you dread? An attitude they hold, which you regard as distasteful? A way they react badly in tense moments?
Why don’t you ever say anything about it? Perhaps you did, once, and the conversation went poorly. Perhaps you tried to tell the radical truth in previous relationships, or in childhood, and you were badly punished for it. What’s the point in bringing it up? Don’t stir up trouble. Love is unconditional, right?
I invite you to imagine talking about it. The Thing. The Inconvenient Truth. What could it feel like to actually approach the topic with him? What good things might transpire if you tell her about your feelings? Of course, there might be a negative reaction. But imagine, for the moment, a sense of clarity and conviction that leads you to brining up the topic. Gently, with an optimistic spirit, and a genuine desire to be closer to her. How would you talk with your partner about inconvenient truths, if you knew that you could not fail? If you knew that he’d be curious, open to influence, and eager to collaborate with you?
Hiding truth, from partner and from self, can be a useful enough strategy for making it through the day. It’s not skillful or productive to blurt out your hot takes all the time. Being a non-judgmental witness is an important part of showing love and holding space for our sweethearts. Avoiding conflict is not always a bad thing; rather, it is one important tool for managing a complex relationship over time.
Telling the truth, to self and to partner, is also deeply important. If you want to feel vital and alive in your relationship, I challenge you to talk about The Thing with your partner. Drop all hostility out of your body, and ask your partner if they would be willing to hear something from you - something that you’ve been avoiding talking about.
“I’d like to share some feedback with you; is now a good time? I want to feel closer to you, and this Thing has been bugging me lately”.
How would it feel to approach the topic with a gentle, optimistic spirit? How would it feel, in your body, to discuss this matter knowing that you cannot fail, and that you will both be closer in your relationship as a result? What are the potential upsides - even if nothing radically changes? Perhaps you both might have a gentle, loving sense of humor about the issue, even if it doesn’t really change. Perhaps you won’t feel alone anymore. Perhaps you’ll stop feeling like a liar, or feeling like a coward, because you talked about the Big Thing.
I believe that you are capable of feeling more vital, alive, and present in your relationship than ever before. It’s not too late. Talk about the thing, stop kicking the can down the road. You can cuddle your partner, hold his hand, kiss her forehead, and approach this truth-telling as a tender act. It is an intimate thing, to show what you really think and feel. Emphasize this point as you gather yourself. “I want to be intimate with you. I want to feel close to you. Can I tell you how I really feel?”
Opening with this consent-seeking question is an important element. After a moment of reflection, they might ask have this conversation in a different venue, at a different time. I think that is a fair play. You want your partner to be grounded, ready, reflective, and soft. Once you have both readied yourself in this gentle way, you are already halfway to victory. Telling the truth, and reckoning with it, together.
For more on this topic, I recommend this video from Dr. Orion Taraban. His solution to boredom in relationship is Telling the Truth. I hope that you’ll tell the truth, today.
